My life is all about struggles. I’ve been struggling with my
personality, my weight, my thoughts, my appearance, my grades, and almost all
of my life. I wonder where did all these struggles came from?
I have a good family, a good education, good friends and
good life but somehow, internally, it always a struggle. My mind never seemed
to be at ease. I can laugh and make jokes with friend and wake up in the middle
of the night crying without any reasons. Was I being dramatic or I’m just
wasn’t in control of my life anymore?
Sometimes I think I’m so out of touch with people. I can be
there surrounded by my friend but feels so detached with reality that I feel like
I don’t really know them, or in fact, they don’t really know me. People always
assumed me to be someone who is easy to get along or to work with when in
reality I’m like the biggest asshole they could ever meet. I’m easily
irritated, I raised my voice when I’m talking to people, I always want to win
in an argument no matter how wrong I am, I tend to push my works to the last
minute and tried to bail out from doing it, I pretend to be sick so that people
will leave me alone, I don’t call my parents often, and I just don’t like
dealing with bullshit. I’m so bitter about everything that I’m amazed how
people didn’t unfriend me yet.
The worst thing is to realize the reason why I’m hating so
much on my life comes from within, from my own self. They said over thinking
kills, and I can’t say it any better. Nothing worse than to keep on having
second thoughts before, during and after every action I do, every words I
speak, every step I take and every things I hear. I won’t say those voices
inside my head is someone else’s because I know most of the time it’s my own
voice whispering all these bad thoughts. It tires me a lot to keep on staying
positive because you just can’t when negativity resides so deeply in yourself.
