#mylife

My life is all about struggles. I’ve been struggling with my personality, my weight, my thoughts, my appearance, my grades, and almost all of my life. I wonder where did all these struggles came from?

I have a good family, a good education, good friends and good life but somehow, internally, it always a struggle. My mind never seemed to be at ease. I can laugh and make jokes with friend and wake up in the middle of the night crying without any reasons. Was I being dramatic or I’m just wasn’t in control of my life anymore?

Sometimes I think I’m so out of touch with people. I can be there surrounded by my friend but feels so detached with reality that I feel like I don’t really know them, or in fact, they don’t really know me. People always assumed me to be someone who is easy to get along or to work with when in reality I’m like the biggest asshole they could ever meet. I’m easily irritated, I raised my voice when I’m talking to people, I always want to win in an argument no matter how wrong I am, I tend to push my works to the last minute and tried to bail out from doing it, I pretend to be sick so that people will leave me alone, I don’t call my parents often, and I just don’t like dealing with bullshit. I’m so bitter about everything that I’m amazed how people didn’t unfriend me yet.

The worst thing is to realize the reason why I’m hating so much on my life comes from within, from my own self. They said over thinking kills, and I can’t say it any better. Nothing worse than to keep on having second thoughts before, during and after every action I do, every words I speak, every step I take and every things I hear. I won’t say those voices inside my head is someone else’s because I know most of the time it’s my own voice whispering all these bad thoughts. It tires me a lot to keep on staying positive because you just can’t when negativity resides so deeply in yourself.