goodbye, 2016

its finally the end of 2016. on 31st december, we can see influx of people reflecting on their year, and making new resolutions. 2016 is a roller coaster year; brexit and trump election in worldwide scale, prominent figures leaving the world, heart-breaking inhuman cases around the world, so much of it that we just wish 2016 will be over and hoping 2017 will be new ray of hope.

i say, my year was pretty so-so. this was the year i discovered new passion, having major breakdown couple of times, making new friends, binge-ing lots of anime etc etc. so im just gonna list out 6 major things i think im proud of myself achieving!

1.travelling
after having my first travelling experience to melbourne, i have this hunger to travel around. i dont care where the places are, just that i want to be able to see the world, the culture, the people. i went and bought a bus ticket to johor impromptu just to have a 2-day gastronomic experiences, went to penang with muna and ety searching for street art. first time driving as far as cameron highland during semester break with ira, nure' and lia. then driving 2 hours to melaka just to see mina although most of the time we were stuck in jam because of the holiday season haha. sometimes, even places that we have gone countless time give different kind of experiences each time we go there.

street art in jb

lavender garden in cameron

2.passion for makeup
ok personally, this started as a personal mission of trying hard enough so that i wont ever need a mua if i ever doing major event in my life (thinking of wedding but idk when is the wedding hahahaha). if you know me from highschool, you will know that i never put anything on my face, not even a cleanser. yes i regret my skin back then habis legam weh kena sunburn but then i slowly got introduced to makeup i think during my third sem because of my roomate ira. i think the first lipstick i ever tried was her's and i was like eyyyy kinda prettylah this colour and whoops, everything is a history. there was time i went on makeup spree that my wallet hurt, but as time went by i learn to prioritize that i dont really need expensive makeup, just need to be able to do a proper one even with just few products. makeup also makes me link up with many people. im not saying i just talk about makeup with these people but most of the time they are willing enough to dengar i membebel pasal makeup that i am grateful for having these people around hehe shoutout to teha, dini, and hani!

my first eyeshadow palette!

3.learning lettering
this is one of major turnpoint for me. i was in a slump, having really bad thoughts for few months. then i think i saw reyna posting her lettering and i was so in awe i asked her how did she do it. then i asked about where to buy water brushes and ta-da here i am, still pretty mediocre haha. i think im pretty much more comfortable in using brush pen than water brush, so im thinking of enrolling in a day watercolour workshop to work my hand around it. i really wanted to be able to make my own greeting card so that i dont have to buy from shop.

one of my earliest watercolouring

then i started using brush pen

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4.meeting counsellor
ah, a dreaded topic for me. one day, i decided, im not going to let myself self-destruct so i went to the counsellor office. it was a very....helpful time i guess. i cant remember what i said to the counsellor, i just remember there was a lot of crying from my part haha. we did communicate through ws after that but after time, i just didnt have the heart to reply to her. idk, i feel some of the things i talked to her werent that significant for me to consider it as problems so i just feel idiot most of the time that i feel like she was thinking im an idiot maybe but idk. i keep overthinking what people is thinking of me that finally i ceased my interaction with her. not her fault tho. just me and my overtly overdrive brain thinking the worse of a situation.

5.losing weight
ending with a bang! i lost total of 9kg in one year ok i know its not much but hey thats quite an achievement for me (5kg in semester 6 and 4kg in semester 7). it started after i keep having knee pain on my left leg so one of my friend, a physiotherapist said that the first step i needed to take in order to reduce the pain is to lose some weight. idk how to diet and im lazy to exercise so during semester 6, i didnt take any rice and all the sugary stuff.but then on semester 7, i joined this program called mission slimpossible, an fyp project under zafirah where they wanna see how the intervention of weekly exercises and regulating food intakes can help in reducing weight. and i manage to learn how to properly do my diet and im also now able to do exercises without feeling i wanna die haha. i even manage to jog now compared to how i live before.

jogging on the last day of 2016 :)

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pencil

i used to write only using pencil. scribbling notes, doodling on paper, writing grocery list, jotting down thoughts in my diary. never a pen, always a pencil.

-because in a sense, im always afraid to leave mark; a permanent one, when you use a pen. a beautiful notebook can become ugly with my hideous handwriting, a deep thoughts can be seen without the ability to erase them. yeah, maybe i can scratch them out or using liquid paper, but it will still be there.

but a pencil,
i could always erase them. the thoughts i wrote, they are there, but i can always pretend i didnt think of it when i wiped them off. it give a sense of security, where i can always express myself, but never really spelling it out in front of my eyes.

ah, now i think its time i erase off all the entries in my diary. its pretty embarassing haha

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-of future, and the baggages i have

dont you think future is such a fragile thing? you have all these plans laid out for 5, 10 years to come, only to meet with obstacles along the way and suddenly your plans seem irrelevant?

i wonder what motivates people to think ahead of time? surely, there are things people want to achieve in certain amount of time? financial stability? marriage? happy family?

i feel that in a sense, my future is pretty bleak, as i dont have anything to motivate me. nothing seems to give me this urge to work harder, better. truthfully, i dont see my future in being a pharmacist. not even the fact that if i secure a job as pharmacist, i might be able to have a high-paying job which is good for a materialistic like me. pharmacy is just not my passion, period. i was just young back then, thinking hey maybe i can do this pharmacy course because i kinda like chemistry but oh boy, was i wrong. since i was in first semester i've been chanting to myself that i wanna quit this, but everytime i remember how i actually got into this course (check out one of my earliest post), i preserved; albeit reluctantly. i cant drop things off halfway no matter how disinterested i am with something. and here i am, in my final year!

and looking back at the last 3 years, what did i learned so far? was i always this dumb that nothing seems sensible to me? when did i hit this bottom pit?

its scary how often i think of running away from my responsibility. as a student, a daughter, as human. is it normal to often think of killing myself every time i hit the wall? no, not just talk but really killing myself. ive probably thought of atleast 10 ways to die. eh nanti adalah yang baca post ni kata budak ni takdak iman ka? igt tuhan sikit. well, i tried, i tried so hard but its difficult. i just cant see myself in any future. i feel like i was such a waste of space on this earth. i tried to be positive for once, went to a counsellor; talking the deepest darkest thoughts i have but then i retracted away from her because i feel like why would anyone care? i mean, everyone got their own problems, im sure no one got time for other's to think of.

 this is getting depressing, dont ever write while you are overwhelmed!

getting back to the topic, my future plans used to be getting married by 25, secure a job, get a small apartment, adopt 10 cats. at this rate, the only thing i think ill ever achieve is adopting 10 cats and be the resident catlady. well, that sounds fun!

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bottomless tummy in johor bahru

Since we have two weeks off before the start of our industrial practical, I practically bored myself enough that I impulsively decided to have an impromptu trip to JB. Luckily my friend was okay with me suddenly wishing to go there despite short notice. So I tried to book a flight ticket but I'm such a poor peasant that I don’t have enough money, so I settled for taking bus instead. Basically I wanted to see what's good in JB but since my friend said the thing that we can mostly do is eat so I take this opportunity to do food hunting instead while also sight seeing.

Ok so my introduction is basically boring so ill get to the food hunting adventure real fast here.

Our first destination is Kacang Pool Haji situated in Larkin, which I think will not need any introduction as it is a quite famous restaurant with JJCM approval too. From outside, the shop looks like a typical kedai tepi jalan but when you went inside, its have that hipster café interior with the walls adorned with pictures of past royal ruler of Johor. 

I have never tasted Kacang Pool in my whole life so I was pretty excited to have one. We decided to order Kacang Pool Daging, Roti Bakar and Milo Tabur as our breakfast. Kacang Pool taste pretty okay for me but it doesn’t give much impression but its good. My favorite would be the Roti Bakar omg the roti bakar was so heavenly like its so softttttttt it melts in my mouth. Definitely would recommend the roti bakar to anyone coming here.

that roti bakar (RM1.50) will melts in your mouth!

first time having kacang pool (RM6); not bad

all time favourite milo tabur (RM2.80)

We decided then to go to Jalan Dhoby because I wanted to try bread from the famous, long standing bakery called Salahuddin Bakery which still use old fashioned oven to bake their bread. Since we are still pretty full from eating the kacang pool, we decided to walk around first and seeing the small town. I like the mix of old buildings with modern shops and all the street arts painted there. We stopped and Chaiwalla & Co, apparently the first container café in JB for a brunch. 

They have teas and coffees and also some desserts but since I cannot drink coffee I decided to order Black Tea Mango, with additional Blackpepper Beef Pie recommended by the waiter. I love the black tea mango, a perfect mix of bitterness and sweetness but the black pepper beef pie doesn’t taste like black pepper much, its more of a carbonara sauce taste instead. 

brunch treat: definitely will buy again the black tea mango (RM8.80).
black pepper beef pie (RM8.80) is so-so 

The seat at the café is pretty limited, around 3 tables and its kinda hot to sit there during day time so I guess that’s why it wasn’t that much customer when we came. 

their signage is pretty vintage

Then we went to Salahuddin Bakery again where I bought their Potato Curry Puff ? and my friend bought their Sugee Cookies (RM3) and another bread that I cant remember the name. This bakery looks like it came from old time, with how the goods are prepared using wood oven and the display

i think written there was the history of the bakery

wood oven

potato curry puff i bought. i like it, but not so much in awe

variety of breads with ginormous size and small in $$$, seriously worth a try!

Next stop to my bottomless tummy is to Kilang Bateri, an old Everyready factory that was refurbished to become a hub for vendors in variety of things including food and drink. The place itself is such a nice place, as it still retain some of the things from the factory, giving a nostalgic feelings while roaming around to see goods sold here. 

landmark of Kilang Bateri seen from afar

yours truly teehee 

I don’t have particular thing I wanted to eat while coming here so I decided to buy Somtam from a shop there. It was pretty good, enough spiciness and I love the peanuts put in it. 

somtam (RM7.90) will never go wrong

My friend wanted to try the cereals from Let’s Get Cereal shop but the sign said the person when for solat so we waited until 5.30 but still not coming back so we are pretty disappointed for that.

maybe the person went tahajud.
ohhh see that varieties of cereals???!!??

how to eat cereal 101

some of the cereals displayed

 We then bought coconut ice cream from IDonut which I loveeeee so much but my friend said it taste too much like santan haha. 

it sells donuts, coffees, ice creams, and coconut shake

coconut ice cream (RM2.90) that tasted so creamy 

At this time my stomach pretty much going to burst butttt I really wanted to taste Laksa Johor so we tried to search in a few places but mostly it already closed L so I had Dominos for dinner lol.

went inside this shop to try their laksa johor
 but unfortunately it already sold out

 The next day, i really wanted to try this cute japanese coffee shop called Miyakori Cafe, despite reading reviews that it was too expensive and taste too ordinary. But, me being such suckers for cute thing, set my foot there to squeal over the cuteness of this cafe.

the front of the cafe

the barista place. that day the barista was so handsome 

decoration that looks pretty on the eyes

the mascots? of the cafe 

 I decided to have Sakura Latte because i read review that said it taste good but unfortunately it only tasted like vanilla. I took a sip of my friend's mocha and its pretty good. The cake is good too, but it feels heavy, i feel already kenyang with 2 bites. 

Dark Mocha Frapperesso (RM14.50), Sakura Latte (RM14.50), and
Miyakori signature Peanut Chocolate Cake (RM13.90)

Lastly, we went to Monsta Cafe because my friend said theres a mini playground that looks pretty at the upper part of the cafe but unfortunately we arrived at a bad time because the cafe is under renovation so we cant go to upstair and the staffs were mostly busy doing works around the cafe, i felt a bit annoyed with the sound of the machine and staffs talking loudly with each other. 

I wanted nachos because i wanted to get rid of the sweetness from previous visit to Miyakori so i ordered Cheese Nachos alongside Chicken Boxing while my friend ordered regular fries that is put inside coffee bag. 

how the cafe looks like from outside

here's the monsta!

Cheese Nachos (RM10.50). I feel like the nachos was
actually that junk food Chacho's and i feel cheated

Chicken Boxing (RM11.00). Taste like normal ayam kunyit

Regular fries (RM11). Taste literally like regular price

So that concludes my visit to JB for 2 days and i really enjoy it. If given a chance (and money), definitely will come again for another food adventure!

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bila nak kahwin?

it seems like when you reached early 20s, the talk of marriage become like a staple of conversation. especially when one of your friend invited you to their wedding and you will be like omg is it finally time to go to our own friend's wedding instead of our parents'?

and this raya, it was like a big topic on how to answer when your elders ask "bila nak kahwin?" and people tried to give sort of like troll or sarcastic replies because they feel offended to be asked those question.

years back, if someone asked me what my plan for marriage, i always said i dont want to get married. like ever. and people will reply "eh mana boleh, tak sunnah lah" among other things. if someone ask me now my answer will reluctantly be that im not ready.

you see, my therapist said im a much too realist of a person. i dont care about bullshit, i dont want to care about other people nonsense unless it affected me directly. in other word, im not much of an emphatizer. this is where the problem i have with marriage. we are all been presented with how marvelous and fairy-tale like wedding and marriage are, how it all a sweet end of a journey after a long tremendous relationship, how two souls finally be given the definite title of their connection yada yada with hashtag relationshipgoals whatsoever. i see marriage as a big responsibility, where instead of minding your own self and feelings, you have extra one person to take care about. or two, or even 10 with years to come. you no longer having to live for your own sake, but for others, because suddenly you are the pillar of someone's life. you cant bail out of it just because you feel it, because a responsibility; no matter how tired you are of it, you have to endure it, because its your job, its your life now. this is where i come in. i cant for the sake of my life care about myself enough, and i dont see how i can take care of other. im a hardcore procrastinator, i cant cook (seeing how now alpha male malays see this as a big flaw), and im sure not ladylike enough for anyone ( well enough for myself atleast).

whenever i tweeted or talked about marriage, it mostly because i love the ideas of wedding, not the marriage itself. its two different things, loving the idea of how you are celebrated for a milestone in your life; wearing pretty gown, pretty backdrops, great photoshoot session with your selected bridesmaids, and the idea of how you now basically share same house with someone you will probably live with years together. im not much keen on the latter, maybe because i cant see yet how i can handle living with someone that is not my family or friends (if i got married someday, dont let my spouse read this, note to myself).

i believe love (in marriage) is a product of hardwork. a persuasion of feelings. a learning process for both people involved. i used to think love is just a feeling we feel; how we see someone for the first time and we feel the thump! thump! thump! in our heart but as i grow into such a cynical person, it gave me a new perspective. because i think, even if sometimes we dont like something, after learning and getting the rope of it, we tend to appreciate things more. in case of myself, i actually hate the colour pink and i remember this one time i said im make myself love that colour by buying my first ever pink shirt. and i tried incorporating all little things pink until i do actually like it ( and obsessed!). thats the reason i think why arranged marriage does work sometimes. im not saying about arranged marriage without consent of the involved party, but rather a marriage between two souls that are willing to try and thrive to make it work. maybe both of them already have their own 'pilihan hati' but kalau dah jodoh, why not? they work harder, because now you have to live with this person, despite if you like him or not, so a hard work is needed. tolerance, is a big part of their life. love? maybe it come later. hence why i think building your marriage solely on love is not enough.

hence why i think im not married yet ( or the fact maybe my jodoh tak lahir lagi :P ).

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of skin colour, and the society

here i am, 5:45 in the morning writing, thinking why these days people are so keen to become whiter than what their skin actually are.

was it because they are not comfortable in their own skin colour?

or the pressure to appeal to the mass since our society tends to highly regard people who have fairer and whiter skin?

the abundant of whitening products scares me in a way that i saw this as something much deep rooted than just about skin colour. it about the society that discriminates based on how you look on the outside more than what you have to offer from one's inside self. beauty is associated with having lighter skin colour, no more we can hear people being proud of having 'kuning langsat' or 'sawo matang' skin.

i am not going to pretend that i was not tempted to have a lighter skin colour too. its there, especially when you keep on seeing people on social medias getting all the attention from being white and all the struggles i had in finding the bb cream shades of my colour. but knowing how harmful some of the whitening products make me stay away from taking any of it. like, wouldn't you be suspicious when a product claimed that it can make a person become whiter in just 7 days? i would because even high end products rarely came out with such extravagant claim.

lets us all embrace the skin we are in and not succumb to pressure on being beautiful in terms of the society instead of what we believe in. you are not less beautiful of yourself just because the society does not view you as much.

relevant to malays too 

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experiences in melbourne

This is not going to be a guide post on itinerary or budget planning if anyone wants to go to Melbourne, mainly because I can’t remember the details much now as the trip was done August last year (11 August 2015- 18 August 2015) so my brain cannot contain anymore information from that time. This is just me rambling few things I’ve experienced in Melbourne during my 7 days trip there.

#1- the season

Even though before coming here Reyna said that the winter in Melbourne wasn’t that cold, I think I spent so many time shivering and wishing there was a bonfire in front of me to take away the chillness. Coming from a country that doesn’t have winter, I always wanted to experience one, so to suddenly got assaulted by the temperature so low, my body wasn’t that ready. Worst part was I forgot to bring any lotion so my skin was so dry it was so painful. There wasn’t any snow back in the city but we went to Mt Buller and were so lucky because that day the snow was falling. Since we don’t have much budget we just went sightseeing there and playing toboggan instead of skiing or snowboarding. Sad that I didn’t get to make a proper snowman haha.

#2- the transportation

IS DA BOMB!!!!

Seriously I was so impressed with the efficiency of the public transport here (train, tram, bus) compared to how it was handled in my country. There was even a free tram zone in the center of the city so that people can hop off and on in that particular area without paying. We use only one specific card for all the transportation, so its easier. There, even going to place that was so far away from city can be done as the public transport is easily accessible and integrated together. Most of the time we use tram to go from places but there were two times we used train to go to two different destinations in two opposing directions in one day; Brighton Beach and Puffing Billy Steam Railway.

#3- the people

Honestly, I get why Melbourne is considered as a place people want to live in because after experiencing it myself, I wish I could stay there forever. The people just amazed me with their courtesy and friendliness. I don’t know if it because we are tourists or what, but whenever we boarded on the tram, people there always wanted to give their seat to us even though I think they needed it more than us (one time a mother with 2 little children wanted to give her seat). And you always gonna get greeted with “Hello, how are you today?” with a smile by the cashier in any shops you went that it was weird for me the first time because that wasn’t how it is done in my country. The most people did was saying thank you when giving changes, definitely not greeting the customers (hah, sometimes they don’t even look at you or talking loudly to coworkers while attending customers or even have such masam face). Im not putting people there on such a high pedestal but it give a different perspective compared to what I’ve experienced in Malaysia.

#4- the places

We tried to squeeze as many places as we can within the 7 days but some need to be taken off the list due to time constraint since during winter, the day is shorter and most place closed by 5pm. Notable mentions would be Great Ocean Road ( the tour consist places such as Twelve Apostles, London Bridge etc), Phillip Island to see kangaroo and chocolate factory (we missed the pelicans), steam train in Puffing Billy railway, bathing boxes in Brighton Beach and street art at the Hosier Lane. 

 

 

this post does not do the justice of how much fun i had during my trip to Melbourne because my brain now is the time i cannot strings any word to express my feelings so ciao!

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