bila nak kahwin?

it seems like when you reached early 20s, the talk of marriage become like a staple of conversation. especially when one of your friend invited you to their wedding and you will be like omg is it finally time to go to our own friend's wedding instead of our parents'?

and this raya, it was like a big topic on how to answer when your elders ask "bila nak kahwin?" and people tried to give sort of like troll or sarcastic replies because they feel offended to be asked those question.

years back, if someone asked me what my plan for marriage, i always said i dont want to get married. like ever. and people will reply "eh mana boleh, tak sunnah lah" among other things. if someone ask me now my answer will reluctantly be that im not ready.

you see, my therapist said im a much too realist of a person. i dont care about bullshit, i dont want to care about other people nonsense unless it affected me directly. in other word, im not much of an emphatizer. this is where the problem i have with marriage. we are all been presented with how marvelous and fairy-tale like wedding and marriage are, how it all a sweet end of a journey after a long tremendous relationship, how two souls finally be given the definite title of their connection yada yada with hashtag relationshipgoals whatsoever. i see marriage as a big responsibility, where instead of minding your own self and feelings, you have extra one person to take care about. or two, or even 10 with years to come. you no longer having to live for your own sake, but for others, because suddenly you are the pillar of someone's life. you cant bail out of it just because you feel it, because a responsibility; no matter how tired you are of it, you have to endure it, because its your job, its your life now. this is where i come in. i cant for the sake of my life care about myself enough, and i dont see how i can take care of other. im a hardcore procrastinator, i cant cook (seeing how now alpha male malays see this as a big flaw), and im sure not ladylike enough for anyone ( well enough for myself atleast).

whenever i tweeted or talked about marriage, it mostly because i love the ideas of wedding, not the marriage itself. its two different things, loving the idea of how you are celebrated for a milestone in your life; wearing pretty gown, pretty backdrops, great photoshoot session with your selected bridesmaids, and the idea of how you now basically share same house with someone you will probably live with years together. im not much keen on the latter, maybe because i cant see yet how i can handle living with someone that is not my family or friends (if i got married someday, dont let my spouse read this, note to myself).

i believe love (in marriage) is a product of hardwork. a persuasion of feelings. a learning process for both people involved. i used to think love is just a feeling we feel; how we see someone for the first time and we feel the thump! thump! thump! in our heart but as i grow into such a cynical person, it gave me a new perspective. because i think, even if sometimes we dont like something, after learning and getting the rope of it, we tend to appreciate things more. in case of myself, i actually hate the colour pink and i remember this one time i said im make myself love that colour by buying my first ever pink shirt. and i tried incorporating all little things pink until i do actually like it ( and obsessed!). thats the reason i think why arranged marriage does work sometimes. im not saying about arranged marriage without consent of the involved party, but rather a marriage between two souls that are willing to try and thrive to make it work. maybe both of them already have their own 'pilihan hati' but kalau dah jodoh, why not? they work harder, because now you have to live with this person, despite if you like him or not, so a hard work is needed. tolerance, is a big part of their life. love? maybe it come later. hence why i think building your marriage solely on love is not enough.

hence why i think im not married yet ( or the fact maybe my jodoh tak lahir lagi :P ).