-of future, and the baggages i have

dont you think future is such a fragile thing? you have all these plans laid out for 5, 10 years to come, only to meet with obstacles along the way and suddenly your plans seem irrelevant?

i wonder what motivates people to think ahead of time? surely, there are things people want to achieve in certain amount of time? financial stability? marriage? happy family?

i feel that in a sense, my future is pretty bleak, as i dont have anything to motivate me. nothing seems to give me this urge to work harder, better. truthfully, i dont see my future in being a pharmacist. not even the fact that if i secure a job as pharmacist, i might be able to have a high-paying job which is good for a materialistic like me. pharmacy is just not my passion, period. i was just young back then, thinking hey maybe i can do this pharmacy course because i kinda like chemistry but oh boy, was i wrong. since i was in first semester i've been chanting to myself that i wanna quit this, but everytime i remember how i actually got into this course (check out one of my earliest post), i preserved; albeit reluctantly. i cant drop things off halfway no matter how disinterested i am with something. and here i am, in my final year!

and looking back at the last 3 years, what did i learned so far? was i always this dumb that nothing seems sensible to me? when did i hit this bottom pit?

its scary how often i think of running away from my responsibility. as a student, a daughter, as human. is it normal to often think of killing myself every time i hit the wall? no, not just talk but really killing myself. ive probably thought of atleast 10 ways to die. eh nanti adalah yang baca post ni kata budak ni takdak iman ka? igt tuhan sikit. well, i tried, i tried so hard but its difficult. i just cant see myself in any future. i feel like i was such a waste of space on this earth. i tried to be positive for once, went to a counsellor; talking the deepest darkest thoughts i have but then i retracted away from her because i feel like why would anyone care? i mean, everyone got their own problems, im sure no one got time for other's to think of.

 this is getting depressing, dont ever write while you are overwhelmed!

getting back to the topic, my future plans used to be getting married by 25, secure a job, get a small apartment, adopt 10 cats. at this rate, the only thing i think ill ever achieve is adopting 10 cats and be the resident catlady. well, that sounds fun!